Marriage is not always easy, and those involved with horse showing know all too well the difficulties this hobby can bring to a marriage. Horse showing is a lifestyle, and in order for a relationship to work, both people have to accept that lifestyle. This can become a true challenge when the significant other is not from a horse show background. The financial, physical, and time demands associated with horse showing can be a strain on a marriage. Some men may even be a little intimidated; after all, this is a half-ton animal we are dealing with.
Everyone has a different situation, and there is certainly not a set of rules that will work for all. However, amateurs, Beckie Peskin, Meg DePalma-Whelan, Andrea Kengis-Foss, Stacy Chambers, Larisa Affeldt, and myself) offer advice and experience on how we have dealt with this sometimes challenging, but often rewarding, situation.
Larisa and Jeremy Affeldt
Larisa Affeldt got her first horse when she was eight years-old and has loved showing and competing in AQHA shows for as long as she can remember. She married Jeremy Affeldt, a three-time World Series Champion with the San Francisco Giants, in 1999, and together they have three “crazy fun boys.”
Just like she had no idea about baseball when first meeting her husband, he had no idea about horses. “We met when we were 16 so we kinda grew up together and we taught each other about what we loved,” Larisa who today shows Huntin My Zipper under the guidance of Nancy Renfro, says. “So I gave him an education in everything horses and showing. In return, I got an education in baseball, curveballs, and pitching.”
Affeldt feels that support from a spouse is essential. “You have to be in agreement on what you spend and the time that it takes you away from other things in life.” Her strongest piece of advice centers on communication. “It’s important to communicate how you feel about something, especially when it is something that you’re passionate about. He might not fully understand the terminology, but if he knows you and loves you, he will want to be involved in knowing what is going on in this crazy horse world.”
Larisa suggests explaining the “crazy horse world” in pieces. “What a correct lead change looks like and why that’s important; what the judge is looking for in each class; what your goals are for the show or the year.”
According to Affeldt, this “does take a little more time and patience in the beginning. But after you have invested in it, you will see that he is really paying attention, and that is when it gets really fun.”
Beckie and Kevin Peskin
Beckie Peskin grew up on a small farm where she showed 4-H and open shows until she began showing AQHA her last year in youth. When she met her husband, he had never even owned a pet. According to Peskin, she “moved in with [her] very stubborn corgi and horse.”
Today, the Senior Product Manager for Merial Equine Division (makers of Equioxx, Gastrogard, Ulcergard, Zimecterin and Legend) shows her horse, Dont Skip Will in the amateur all-around events. To meet the demands of life, Beckie has adjusted how she shows (such as attending more shows closer to her home town of Atlanta), and she sometimes takes their three-year-old daughter with her. Peskin suggests that “you need to figure out what they want, not what you want for them. Then, it’s about finding out how that person wants to be part of it.”
For Peskin, if her husband “makes the effort to come, I want to make sure that there are a few moments that are for him.” She also suggests being upfront from the beginning about your hobby and its financial obligations. “The first weekend we spent together I took my husband to the barn and said, ‘This costs $______ before the horse even leaves the property. It was here when you came and it will be here if you leave. I won’t ask you to support it financially, but if I quit, it will be because I want to, not because you tell me to.”
Establishing the expectations upfront will make a healthier relationship in the long run. This appears to be working for Peskin as her husband has recently shown enough interest to ask to ride. Maybe showing is in the cards?
Megan and Glen DePalma-Whelan
Megan DePalma-Whelan started showing Quarter Horses as a youth. Her husband, Glenn, had absolutely no horse background prior to meeting her seven years ago. However, Whelan strongly feels that a spouse should support you. Even if he can’t make it to a show, Glenn calls and messages to wish her good luck and also wants frequent updates on how the horses are doing. Whelan offers several pieces of advice including the importance of making your spouse feel needed and included at the shows.
“Whether he’s hanging out at the stalls or going to dinner, it’s important that he feels part of the barn.” Meg also feels that “teaching your spouse how to help and prepare the horses is very beneficial.” Taking out braids/bands, putting in tails, saddling and unsaddling are all helpful tasks both in making him feel needed and making your life easier at the shows.
She adds, “What makes me the most happy is when I ask him how my pattern was and he tells me what he saw. It’s amazing how someone who knew nothing about the sport can pick up on mistakes and improvements from listening to my trainers and watching other exhibitors.”
Andrea (Kengis) and Tony Foss
Andrea Kengis-Foss has been married to her husband, Tony, since 2009. Her husband grew up in the city but helped family members farm during the summer. He never had any sort of livestock prior to meeting Andrea. Tony supports his wife from home, even though she would love to see him lead a performance halter horse someday.
Foss offers special advice for husbands who support from home concerning the communication factor. “I try to keep him updated on my schedule in advance.” For Foss, social involvement is also important, “I try to involve him socially with friends from the shows outside of the horse show season.”
We all know that showing horses is much more than riding into the ring; there is a lot of work at home that must take place in order to find success in the show pen. Foss feels it’s important for her husband “to watch her practice at home to see the hard work that goes into showing.”
Even when a spouse cannot attend shows, knowing the hard work that you have put into this endeavor will create a supportive, caring fan at home.
Stacy and David Chambers
Stacy Chambers and her husband, David, are both school administrators. She began showing ponies as a youth and then moved to showing Paints and Quarter horses after graduating college. Her husband was never involved with horses prior to meeting her.
However, according to Chambers, “He tells a great story about how he thought he had a pony growing up but found out that it had wandered into the yard and his brothers had just plopped him on this pony to see what would happen. He managed to stay on while they took a picture. David learned years later that he never really did own one.”
For Chambers, support from your spouse “should match with your goals for each show and those goals may be different.” Different shows require different demands, and Chambers feels that a spouse needs to understand that some shows are more serious and demanding while others are enjoyable and relaxing.
Their busy calendars guide their goals. “We work to plan the show season so that we have a balance of horse and non-horse events. I think this is the key piece to us showing more, not less, as the years have progressed.”
Chambers and her husband truly work together as a team, as he packs, checks her to-do list, manages the truck/trailer maintenance, and makes sure that she has cleared her plate of other obligations so she can focus on showing. His background playing football for Wake Forest also helps her with the competitive edge that she needs when entering the show pen. Teamwork is a key component for Stacy and her husband.
Brian and Becky Wood (author of article)
I have been involved with horses in some way my entire life. I was raised on a farm where we had cattle horses. I showed our farm horses in 4-H until my dad purchased a Quarter horse for me when I was 15, and I began showing AQHA. I married my husband, Brian, in 2008. He was also from a farm background and was raised with horses. Having no horse show background but tons of knowledge about horses has been a challenge for him as he was suddenly thrown into a world of sheets and blankets, lead changes, and refined “buttons” on horses. Major culture shock.
To me, it is important to show your spouse that you value his opinion so he feels like he’s part of this endeavor. Brian’s common sense about horses has helped me in dealing with vet issues. I have also discovered that connecting your husband’s talents with the horse show world will help him feel more comfortable. My husband enjoys building things, so when we go to shows, he often studies what he can build to make our lives easier. In fact, he even built the stalls in our barn. The last piece of advice I have for someone wanting to include a significant other is to make time for things he likes to do while at the show. You wouldn’t know it by looking at my husband, but eating is pretty important to him. I try to set aside time at the shows to eat somewhere of his choice. He also likes to explore his environment, so allotting extra time for him to just drive around makes him happy.
Everyone’s situation is certainly different, and unfortunately no one has a 100% fool-proof solution to this common problem. However, communication is truly the key. Through effective communication, you can teach your husband what you expect from him when he attends horse shows as well as what type of support you desire from home.
Also, making him feel needed and valued will greatly benefit your relationship both at home and on the road. Find your comfort zone, but at the same time, don’t be afraid to think outside the box at times when including your spouse. Remember, he may be completely outside of his comfort zone. Don’t forget about his strengths and highlight them to help him feel more comfortable. Finally, have fun while including your husband. After all, that’s why we’re all part of this “crazy world” in the first place.
