Although equestrians may appear to only have eyes for their furry, four-legged friends, they are in fact capable of having romantic relationships with other human beings. That being said, it takes a special kind of someone to put up with an equestrian’s crazy horse habits. Here is a survival guide to help out that significant other and keep them out of the shadow of their fiercest competition: the Equus ferus caballus.
1. If you haven’t started penny-pinching yet, begin immediately.
Let’s get the most obvious one out of the way up front: horses are expensive. Parents and spouses alike often choke back tears as they write astronomical checks to trainers, vets, custom clothing designers, show offices, tack shops, farriers, the list is endless. If an equestrian is the apple of your eye, you’d better start building a nest egg right now, because as much as you want them to, they will never out-grow their “horse-crazy” phase.
2. Learn to love the smell of horses
The essence of dirt, sweat, manure, and fur will worm it’s way into every aspect of your life, whether you like it or not. No one is safe from the powerful odor of barns and horses, so start accepting the fact that you too will become a victim of the scent. Sure, you can make rules for your special someone like ‘all horse related items must go in the trunk of the car,’ or ‘keep your barn clothes separate from the other clothes.’ But over time, those rules will become less and less effective and your equestrian heartthrob will soon be stepping into your freshly detailed car, dirty boots and all.
3. Patience will be your greatest virtue
Every horse person you meet will tell you that one of their greatest qualities is their ability to ‘hurry up and wait.’ This is true particularly to those equestrians who compete, but doesn’t discriminate. Hurrying up and waiting can apply to those equestrians who love dawdling at their respective barns, or browsing for hours in tack stores, looking at things they definitely don’t need. Believe me when I tell you, patience is a virtue.
4. Learn to accept that the horse will always be more pampered than you.
The horse has a chiropractor? Acupuncturist? Shoes more expensive than your car payment? Yep. While you can barely find a Band-Aid in your medicine cabinet and have been kicking it in the same tattered Chuck Taylors for almost three years, your spouse’s animal friend is a high-rolling, well-maintained, spoiled excuse for a pet. But don’t get bitter, I can assure you; no amount of protesting in the world will change the fact that this horse lives a life of luxury you cannot even fathom. Sorry sucker. Instead of complaining, make big plans to be reincarnated as a horse in your next life, and then maybe you too can be spoiled rotten.
5. Always buy cars with leather seats
You would be a fool to make a car purchase, and get anything besides leather interior. Horse hair will become your personal kryptonite, and will follow you at every turn. At least with leather seats, you will be able to wipe away the messy horsehair for at least a little temporary relief.
6. Take at least a little interest
I’m not saying you have to become the next Red Pollard, but you can absolutely put at least one iota of your brain power towards learning a little something about horses. We’ll certainly return the favor by getting familiar with one of your pastimes, but I’m telling you, the key to your horse-crazy significant other’s heart is to take time to learn what it’s all about. Shout out a little something you learned about horses mid-conversation, and your favorite equestrian’s heart will be all a-flutter.
7. Save the sexual innuendos about whips and spurs for someone who cares
Sorry, Mr. Grey, your awkward jokes aren’t welcome here. Every equestrian alive has heard some dumb joke about whips, chains, chaps, spurs, boots. You name it, we’ve heard it. As funny and witty as they are, after the 4,000th time, the punch line starts to wear off just a little bit. Those jokes belong around beer and bar stools. Say them to an equestrian, and they are going to be 50 Shades of Annoyed.
8. Don’t say equestrian isn’t a sport
As valid as you think this statement is, it’s not. Equestrian is recognized an NCAA division 1 sport, and an Olympic sport. Frankly, anything that’s recognized on those levels is completely legitimate. Don’t diminish your special equestrian’s passion like that. You try handling a 1,500-pound animal and then tell me there’s not at least a little athleticism involved. You’ll soon come to find that riding horses is actually really freaking hard. So zip your lips.
9. Spare us the horse related stories from your childhood
As sweet as it is that this, one time you rode a pony at a county fair while eating cotton candy, most likely, your equestrian won’t really care. Sure, we’ll ooh and ahhh over the cute picture of you and said pony from way back when, but that tattered old photograph isn’t really going to help you get any brownie points.
10. Get used to being number two (no hard feelings)
As heartbreaking as it is to tell you, the horse will always be the number one love in your special equestrian’s heart. Horses were our first love, and nothing is going to replace that. It’s not to say that we don’t love you dearly as well, but maybe just slightly less. But, as badly as we wish we could, we can’t bring our horses into bed to snuggle, so that’s all you.
Horse girls are crazy, sure. Horse girls are passionate, yes. This survival guide may seem intimidating, but how can you say no to someone who has been fiercely devoted to and passionate about something they love for so long? Seems like a great opportunity for a relationship to me. Go forth, and be merry, you crazy kids. But seriously, use this guide. You’ll thank me later.
